letter to america

To the citizens of the United States of America:

> > In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> > thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> > independence, effective immediately.
> > Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties
> > over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which
> > she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
>
> > Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
> > without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> > disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
> > whether any of you noticed.
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> > Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> > amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> > 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
> > and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> > skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
> > suffix "ise."
> 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
> > elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
> > cope with correct pronunciation.
>
> > 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> > levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
> > interspersed with filler noises such as "like", "know whad I'm sayin'?"
> > and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
> > 5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
> > your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
> > of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
> > 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> > but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
> > 7. July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 will be a
> > new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
> > called "Come-Uppance Day."
>
> > 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> > or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers, self-help gurus and
> > therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns >
> > should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
> > things out > without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
> > not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> > 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> > dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
> > to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> > 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> > your own good. When we show you Japanese, Korean and German cars, you will
> > understand what we mean.
>
> > 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> > start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> > will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
> > sense of humour.
>
> > 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> > calling "gas") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> > are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
> > are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
> > fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>
> > 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
> > customers.
>
> > 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> > beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
> > "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> > referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
> > "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
> > further confusion.
>
> > 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> > guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> > English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
> > "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
> > removed with a cheese grater.
>
> > 17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
> > proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in
> > time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
> > American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
> > seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> > 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
> > an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
> > of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> > your borders, your error is understandable.
>
> > 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> > 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> > monies due backdated to 1776.
> >
> > Thank you for your co-operation.
>
> > John Cleese
>
>

i did get sick.

so, okay. the apples didn't save me. the worst thing about being sick is using PTO.

at least, i have it to use. yes?

the worst thing about today is my right ear.

the worst thing about yesterday was my frontal lobe.

i'm very angry that we don't have universal healthCARE. someone very dear to me is working entirely too hard, all the time, in order to raise her kids and pay for medical expenses. it makes me sick. in fact, it is making her sick, though she's a very stubborn loner type... and she'd never admit it....

someone close to my sister is some kind of tech in the health industry and this tech actually stated that she didn't want universal healthCARE to be implemented because then her "salary might be decreased."

isn't that lovely? she'd rather people die than lose a little money. does she belong in the healthCARE INDUSTRY? is this what it comes down to?

why do we call it INDUSTRY?

my country is better than this.

people are better than this.

i have insurance. i thought i had decent insurance. but then... i had to have a mammogram. and the doctors wanted to investigate a lump further... so i had to have an ultrasound. on the same day. i was fine. i am fine. but. my insurance wouldn't cover EITHER procedures.

why?

well. because they were PERFORMED on the SAME day, you see.

had i had the ultrasound the very next day, instead... they would have covered BOTH the mammogram and the ultrasound. but. NOT if performed on the SAME DAY!

evil. that is pure evil.

running in the cold

is more challenging than i thought it would be.

i have to eat apples every day. what if i just consume quercetin pills and skip the apples?

would that make me an astronaut?

i know someone who seems to prefer food in pill form.

when sweat freezes on the neck, the neck gets very cold.

this is a problem while stretching.


i have a giant pile of books on my desk to get through this year.

i finished writing a book. it will be out soon. i have to finish another book that will also be out soon. and then i have another book i just want to finish.

mostly. i am running half-marathons. and going to bed early.

durham doesn't smell today.

Conrad asked...

what does it smell like in durham?

or, something close to that...


well.

when it rains rains here... it smells like decomposition. it smells like Earth reconstituting itself. it smells like cat litter. it smells like every dark corner has a giant fungus.

some places i've lived smell like a dirty fishbowl when it rains.
not durham.

it smells like genuine function. nothing artificial. no additives.

i haven't eaten any popsicles as of late.

tonight: Saidenberg/Parra

Jocelyn Saidenberg & Guillermo Parra
MINOR-AMERICAN POETRY SERIES:
hosted by Magdalena Zurawski and kathryn l. pringle

Saturday, October 4, 7:00 pm
The Broad Street Cafe
1116 Broad Street, Durham, NC 27705
919.416.9707

Please come out and support our series as it moves to a public all-ages venue. Admission is free.

Jocelyn Saidenberg is the author of Mortal City (Parentheses Writing Series) and CUSP (Kelsey St. Press), and Negativity (Atelos). She is the founder and editor of KRUPSKAYA Books. Born and raised in New York City, she lives in San Francisco where she is active in the queer arts communities and works as a catalog librarian for the public library.

Guillermo Parra was born in Cambridge, MA in 1970. His poems, essays and translations have appeared in Effing, The C.L.R. James Journal, Fascicle and 6x6. In 2006 he published Caracas Notebook (Cy Gist Press). He lives in Durham, NC and writes the blog Venepoetics.

Broad Street Café now has a full hot food menu, wood-fired pizza, 15 beers on tap and full bar. Check out www.TheBroadStreetCafe.com for hours, menu, directions and more.