went out this morning and did a 6 miler in the woods w/ JGL... and my new shoes.... SO MUCH EASIER!

the arch, yes, but something about this pair of Nikes compared to my Asics... the shock absorption is about one million times better with Nike. i have to say. i'm sold on the Nike Moto Max.

had none of the usual soreness and leg fatigue. they were a little stiff, but, i loosened the strings and they were perfect.

very good run.

still hate hills, though.

i need to join a gym just to work on my quad strength...

*

i leave wednesday morning for SF.

i'm excited. i have a very tightly-packed schedule of visits.

*

the novel writing is going pretty well.

life is good.

right now. have to say.

what a difference a pair of shoes can make. [that's probably one of the most GIRL things i've ever said.]

GO STEELERS

bought new running shoes... and even made a brand change from Asics to Nike.

we'll see....

it is Ken Rumble's birthday today!

12237 words//54 pages//one map -- the arc

i very nearly sliced the tip, as in 1/2 the tip, as in 1/4 of a chunk of my left index finger, off.

i am bandaged. and going to buy rubber gloves so i can wash my dinner dishes.

i was making steak tacos.

steak for the runner's knee.

tacos for the californian.

one week to La Taqueria.

that's right. i'm stopping there FIRST. before i even drop my luggage.

so far. today is no good.

i'm going to take a nap and then pretend it is morning again.

finally--writing!

okay, so...

symptoms of over-training?

sleeplessness despite fatigue.

i'm definitely taking today off...

disaster dream of all disasters last night.

the earth's land masses were not only diminished to half their current size, but set loose from the core... so they floated freely and recklessly... like massive icebergs. all survivors became pirate-like, sea nomads. the weather was complete chaos... and completely in control of the world... and the sea was full of creatures that found humans to be rather tasty.

some funny moments, though:

finding floating masses of land with malls... those were like mardi gras.

and my band and i rigging together a raft made of feather boas.

i'm a terrible swimmer. maybe i'll start training for triathlons this summer.

over-training? i think so!

also, my calves are slightly ticked off and i have developed a blister on my foot that is not one of my usual blisters.

cv said last week after shen wei

dancer's feet are horribly disgusting [that is not verbatim, but how it translated... ]

running has definitely made my feet raw... i would say they aren't disgusting, but, i can see how professionals /// elite runners... maybe have horribly disgusting feet.

i need new running shoes and more marathon socks. yes, there is such a thing. socks are super important. and they must be seamless.

***

tonight my dogs come over! 

***

my plan is to go to work, shortly. work. come home. eat. and WRITE MY NOVEL.

what are you doing?

i have three jobs.

copy editor

poet

runner

those are not necessarily in order of preference... more... order of profit?

runner costs more than poet, poet doesn't pay, copy editor... well. it pays the bills. and allows me to do my other two jobs.

if you know of a job that i haven't listed and perform... don't tell me. i'm good for now. thanks.

ran 6 miles yesterday. 6 solid 11-minute miles. that is... pretty good... in case you don't know... and that puts me at under a 2 and a half hour half-marathon. which is what i want. however... right now... not ready.

good thing i don't have to be.

today i ran 3 miles. 

work is work.

the reading at Pinhook was great fun. a really great [in number and attentiveness] audience. 

the novel... is... not writing itself. eh.

you can order my book through SPD

SPD

i'm reading tonight at the Pinhook!

7:30 pm...

i know, that's in a mere 3 hours... i've been distracted!

north carolina you drive like shit.

yes. you do.

two things i've not seen ANYWHERE else:

1. cars entering the highway [freeway] and slowing down ... most of the time STOPPING

2. drivers tooling around in pick-ups and drinking a [? maybe more] beer

STOP DOING THIS!

yr SO pissing me off!

and YR GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!

11644 words.

it is 28 degrees outside.

it feels like 28 degrees.

at 5 am it will be 20 degrees but feel like 13 degrees.

black ice warnings. 

i can't wait to leave my house.

i am all discombobulated now.

yeah, yeah... totally happy snow and president, YES... but, damn if planning all these readings and the flights and where i'm staying and for how long and who will i see....

it is totally fun. and, discombobulating.

i've been yanked out of the present, violently, and it is really... troubling. i've given myself this 20 minute period in which to rant a little, and whine, and feel tired... and then, that's it. no more. enjoy. appreciate. be grateful. get back into my life, in the moment, etc.

i feel better already.

thanks!

i haven't worked on my novel since i got my computer back on Saturday. i think i've just had to spend some time catching up with my life... my communications... and getting back to myself. tomorrow night, after work, is for running 4 miles and eating a good meal and writing. i think i'll even shut the cell phone off.... and my e-mail notifications. 

i get to see my closest friends soon. i get to see my best friend in Feb, March, AND April... which probably hasn't happened since we were 19! maybe even before... i don't remember.

i get to make new friends. i get to hear & read a lot of great things. and see different cities. and how the poets are in them.

i need a haircut. badly. two reasons i have yet to get it cut:

1. last time, i left looking just like my brother.

2. i have to spend all my money on air fare [and... you know... bills]

my brother is a handsome fellow, but, hey ... i'm not.

i can be.

but.

i'm just not.

now. i think. i feel okay enough to go to bed. and sleep. not just lie there. wondering.

eh, i like being in PRESENT TENSE.

much much more.

PRESIDENT!

SNOW!

they are calling for 4-6 inches of snow to be here by tomorrow morning. i'm about to go running. apparently 1 inch of snow shuts Durham down. i was already going to work from home tomorrow with the inauguration on. 4-6 inches of snow. wow. 

wow.

a new president. tomorrow. o... it should be a Nation-wide holiday, shouldn't it? why must i work? o... i mean, thank God i am working...

today is Monday. Mondays are frightening days at work. have been. people no longer have jobs on Mondays.

wish me well wishes.

when i was a little girl i refused to eat the 'baby oranges' of an orange because it made me sad. 

i am doing wrist curls... watching football... think novel... and preparing for a very busy and fiscally challenging few months.

good morning snow flurries!

cv woke me up to a text message "snow flurries!"

i have a fireplace, did you know? today might be that day. the day of fire.

i registered for my half-marathon on March 28th today. so, now i'm locked in to the 20k on Feb 21 and the half.

since running races and giving poetry readings are putting a major financial strain on me, and it looks like they will continue to do so, i am probably going to skip the half-marathon in Providence, RI. just do the reading and start in on training for the full marathon i'm planning on running in November.

it is VERY HARD to get motivated to run in this cold weather. VERY HARD. 

durham [SAT 1.24] & sf [THU 2/5] READING details

at the PINHOOK bar!
Pinhook Arts
117 W. Main
Saturday January 24th
7-9:30 (starting 7:30 sharp)
Free
Join us when the best of the arts in the Triangle meets the best new bar in Durham for a night of Pinhook Arts. Film, dance, music, poetry, spoken word, and performance art take place in downtown Durham’s favorite new neighborhood join, The Pinhook. No cover and featuring

Mz. Julee- This Fine Suit of Mine is a performance art piece by Raleigh Artist Mz*Julee. It is based on her experience of the “Job Search“ over the years, and the struggle that it brings. The performance includes: live performance, spoken word, originally created audio background, installations of gowns, an iron, newspaper and imagination. www.myspace.com/mzjulee
Choreo Collective- Caroline Williford, Susan Saenger and Michelle Odgers of Choreo Collective will perform a new site-specific work, Canzonet, at the Pinhook. Choreo Collective is a collective of Triangle area modern dancers and choreographers committed to exploring the creative process and increasing the presence of the performing arts in the community. For more information, please visit www.choreocollective.org

Jim Haverkamp- Jim Haverkamp is an award winning filmmaker and freelance editor whose short films have shown at over 100 festivals around the world. His recent work includes collaborations with Little Green Pig Theatrical Concern and Manbites Dog Theater. At the Pinhook, he’ll show Hot Dog Man: A Case Study; Last Pack, and wedding movie from Fistful of Love.

kathryn l. pringle- kathryn l. pringle's first book, RIGHT NEW BIOLOGY, is just out from Factory School/Heretical Text Series. She is the author of The Stills (Duration Press) and Temper & Felicity are Lovers (TAXT). Her poems can be read in The Denver Quarterly, Fence, Dusie, 14 hills, and 580 Split, among others. She edits the literary magazine minor/american, and was the co-founder of the minor/american reading series in Durham, N.C. she blogs at ::END PUNKTURE:: (http://kathrynlpringle.blogspot.com/)

Greg Humphreys- Greg spent the last 20 years fronting bands Dillon Fence and HOBEX, releasing a dozen albums worth of music and playing over 2000 live shows. He recently released his first acoustic solo album Trunk Songs to critical acclaim. "...one of the definitive Chapel Hill anthems" - David Menconi, Raleigh News and Observer

Bull City Slam Team- Members of Durham’s award-winning slam team and the hosts of the 2009 Southern Fried Regional Poetry Slam perform some of their best team and individual pieces.




SFSU POETRY CENTER READING
FEB 5 @ 4:30 w/ Jules Boykoff

and, later that night:

Subject: Book Release Party: Pringle and Boykoff at The Green Arcade in SF

Who: kathryn l. pringle and Jules Boykoff
When: Thursday, 5 February at 8 p.m.
Where: The Green Arcade, 1680 Market Street, San Francisco (415) 431 6800

Please join us on Thursday, 5 February at 8 p.m. to celebrate the release of two new books of poetry from Factory School:
RIGHT NEW BIOLOGY by kathryn l. pringle and Hegemonic Love Potion by Jules Boykoff

kathryn l. pringle is a graduate of the MFA program at San Francisco State University. Her book, RIGHT NEW BIOLOGY, is just out from Factory School/Heretical Text Series. She is the author of The Stills (Duration Press) and Temper & Felicity are Lovers (TAXT). Her poems can be read in The Denver Quarterly, Fence, 14 hills, 580 Split, and Sidebrow, among others. She is an editor at the literary magazine minor/american, and the co-founder of the minor american reading series in Durham, N.C., now funded by Duke University.

Jules Boykoff is the author of Hegemonic Love Potion (Factory School, 2009), The Slow Motion Underneath (with Jim Dine, Steidl Editions, 2008), and Once Upon a Neoliberal Rocket Badge (Edge Books, 2006). His political writing includes Landscapes of Dissent: Guerrilla Poetry & Public Space (co-authored with Kaia Sand) (Palm Press, 2008), Beyond Bullets: The Suppression of Dissent in the United States (AK Press, 2007), and The Suppression of Dissent: How the State and Mass Media Squelch USAmerican Social Movements (Routledge, 2006). Boykoff lives in Portland, Oregon.

o, boy... my computer is HOME, finally, a brand new LCD screen. no pixels. very bright!

it has been hectic... the book and bookings....

the cities on my "tour," so far--

1/24 durham, nc [w/

2/5 san francisco, ca [w/ Jules Boykoff [[TWO READINGS!]] ]

3/7 asheville, nc [David Foster Wallace Party w/ Chall Grey, Brian Howe, and others]

4/15 [?] tulsa, ok [solo]

[a reading in NY in april is in the planning stages, too, w/ my fellow Heretics]

5/1 providence, ri [w/ Dianne Timblin]

5/16 raleigh, nc [w/ Chris Vitielo & Justin Marks]

there's more, beyond that, but... for now... i'm pretty set. i think.

i'd like to visit LA, too. Fayetteville, Arkansas.... too. BUFFALO.... baltimore.... philly... DC

***

chris v. mentioned "post-darwin" in the car the other day... and i really think... really think... that's great.

***

still reading Infinite Jest, still love it. am still working on the novel, w/ this computer home that will be a hell of a lot easier.

and hey

we get a new president soon. wow. i thought it would never happen.

my book WAS on my porch, just waiting in the cold...

along with 4 other books, my fellow heretics:

jules boykoff, frank sherlock, erica kaufman, and brett evans.

they all look amazing!

i will be posting about some forthcoming readings soon.... Durham and SF.

so far i am booked for Durham, Asheville, SF, Raleigh, Providence.

NY?
Philly?
Tulsa?

have to say, i miss you.

my Mac is still in the shop, awaiting a part.

my friend, EW, went to SPD yesterday to buy my book! and she did! she has it. she read it.

you know what else?

i don't even have my copies yet! nope.

maybe they are sitting on my porch, waiting for me, while i'm here, working with VOCABULARY and ALGEBRA.

some work folks found my blog.

i'm glad i love my job.

although, i am feeling the strain of reduced staff. i don't think i've felt recession before, not like this.... not this way. it is painful.

i buy my ticket for SF tomorrow.
been making plans....

i'm excited to see everyone and SO EXCITED to read with Jules Boykoff.... o man!

okay. i have to do work things now.

love.

well.

i am feeling much better today. however, my Mac is at the Mac Doctor for the next 7-10 days... and with the work environment being as it is, well... i'm just going to have to abandon my blog until i have my new LCD display.

i'm sure i will only be running, xtraining, and writing [by hand!], anyway. maybe i'll have something to say... when i return. i think i will have withdrawals.

i know i will.

have a good break.

for you hardcover fans....

the hardcovers of my book, and the other heretics, are all plain. they are for libraries. so, if you like the art on our books, and you want to save money, i suggest the soft.

:)

hello.

today is only a 9-hour day, and i'm less fluey, but still, weary and... wary, employment and all.

am still reading Infinite Jest and i am hoping, hoping, to write later tonight. if only a bit.

what news?

what news?

this news, that you already know:




**Pre-Publication Announcement**

Heretical Texts, Volume 4, featuring:

Over Here, by Frank Sherlock (104 pages)
www.factoryschool.com/pubs/heretical/vol4/sherlock/


RIGHT NEW BIOLOGY, by kathryn l. pringle (80 pages)
www.factoryschool.com/pubs/heretical/vol4/pringle/

Slosh Models, by Brett Evans (88 pages)
www.factoryschool.com/pubs/heretical/vol4/evans/

Hegemonic Love Potion, by Jules Boykoff (104 pages)
www.factoryschool.com/pubs/heretical/vol4/boykoff/

Censory Impulse, by Erica Kaufman (94
pages)
www.factoryschool.com/pubs/heretical/vol4/kaufman/

Pub Date: Jan 15, 2009

All books $15 paperback, $30 hardcover -- available Jan 15, 2009 through Small
Press Distribution (www.spdbooks.org).

VOLUME DISCOUNT: Get a complete paperback set of HT Vol. 4 for $50 (33.3%
discount). Order direct from Factory School using PayPal
(www.factoryschool.com/pubs/order.html). To order by check, please contact the
editors. Factory School's discounted price includes shipping to the
continental USA. Individuals only.

For more on the HT series, visit:
www.factoryschool.com/pubs/heretical/index.html

For general info, please write to editors at factoryschool.org

here is something i wrote at one time, since i am unable to write now, because i am a drone who works 12-hour days and has the flu. i think this is three years ago? and about CONFESSION, which, I LOVE, because i'm NOT CATHOLIC, probably.

[In my effort to understand de Man I feel the need to follow, to the best of my ability, de Man’s instruction, and so I will closely read de Man’s essay while also operating upon my chosen confessional text. At least, this is the plan. As per the order of de Man’s essay I must now orient you, my reader, with my chosen text here:]
What does it mean to confess? According to de Man above “[t]o confess is to overcome guilt and shame in the name of truth….” What is key here, I think, is the word overcome, there must be a deliberate effort made on the part of the confessor to defeat guilt and shame. The achievement of this defeat over guilt and shame is the reinstitution of “the economy of ethical balance” and the cleansing of the slate, so to speak, of “the atmosphere of a truth that does not hesitate to reveal the crime in all its horror” (279). Having determined the meaning of to confess, I see a division in autobiography, that confession is not synonymous with autobiography, but can be contained within autobiography, as not every autobiography can be said to achieve this “economy of ethical balance.” I am tempted, however, to state that every autobiography pretends to achieve this state, or wishes to achieve this state, as the writing of one’s history gives the reader of the history a specific presentation, one that seems to claim, by the mere name: autobiography, a perspective that is just: the writing of one’s own history. Now I will pause to identify a text:
Among the many possible Orestes A. Brownsons there could have been : the Unitarian, the Transcendentalist, and the Catholic [not to mention the politician, the man, the father, etc], only one chose to write The Spirit-Rapper, An Autobiography in 1854. In 1854 Brownson was a converted Catholic. [This is not necessary information. I will start again:]
Brownson’s The Spirit-Rapper, An Autobiography is a written account of a man’s life spent sacrificing God for Science. In fact, he substitutes God for Science. In this autobiography our narrator becomes involved in the practice of animal magnetism, or mesmerism, as a means to achieving his deep desired goal of understanding the nature of all things. He is offered these answers, and the power these answers seemingly contain, by his table, which he has mesmerized and which has learned to communicate with him through rapping on the floor in a sort of Morse code:
I held a long dialogue with the table, which, however, I shall not record. I ascertained the origin of the raps, how to produce them, and how to read them. But this was but a trifle. I would have the power visible to my eyes, submissive to my orders, and speak to me in plain and intelligible language, properly so called. I obtained a promise that this should come in due time, but that for the present I must suffer the force to remain invisible, and be content with a language of mere arbitrary signs. (Brownson 41)
Here I must pause in order to determine meaning. Brownson uses several words I want to discuss: dialogue, table, record, read, language, and the term ‘arbitrary signs’.

1. dialogue, table, record, read, language and ‘arbitrary signs.’
Each of these words reference communication and, in particular, writing. I find this interesting as the word ‘record’ is used by Brownson/narrator/text in situations that make each instance a written account: a record of an event, and in each situation the event is a not-event: something that is left out, left behind, unworthy of mention, and yet, mentioned all the same and marked as unmentionable. OR, is it that what is conveyed by the table to the narrator is so worthy that it is marked secret and purposefully withheld? What does this marking of absence represent?
Amongst a slew of words all relating to communication as an activity that is present, that is taking place, that is action, what is actually communicated/said/written is that it is considered un/markable, YET, remarkable, as the fact is the speaker does make mention, take notice, of this communicative act. There is set in motion, then, the idea that in order for something to be made record of, it must be worthy: a value inherited byway of ‘record,’ also, if too worthy, kept secret. It is good, I think, to notice that the event that is not recorded is also considered and called : “a trifle.”
a. dialogue: “I held a long dialogue with the table which, however, I shall not record.”
In order for this dialogue to take place, to be an event, there must be an understanding: a comprehension, on the part of the writer/recorder of events/biography and the table. A dialogue is an exchange of thoughts between two, usually persons, in this instance a table and a person, and in this instance an unrecorded conversation.
Is it possible that the unrecording of this dialogue is and unmaking of this dialogue? This dialogue leads the narrator directly into his criminal life, and this autobiography, being a deathbed confession as we shall see, is dependent upon this dialogue. And yet we receive no record, no account for this exchange. For what reason is this dialogue unrecorded? Is it unrecordable? Is it secret? What difference is there between and unrecorded dialogue and a secret? Truly for a confession to take place one must be held accountable, at least by oneself. Is this the beginning of the unconfession ? An erasure of the true confession? An unwillingness to fully confess?

b. table:
Is the table a substitution? For Rousseau there was a ribbon. Does this table stand for something other than a table?
The table in this instance is not a table but a mesmerized table: a table under a spell, a table that has an essence that is beyond that of a table. The word table also elicits exchange (mathematics), tablet, time, and at the time of the original writing:
A tablet bearing or intended for an inscription or device: as the stone tablets on which the ten commandments were inscribed, a memorial tablet fixed in a wall, a votive tablet, a notice-board, etc. arch. (OED)

This word is weighted in light of the word ‘record’ as it is a place upon which an action/communication can take place. It is then refused its place, at least in the remarking of the place.
c. record (see above and below)
1. Law. a. The fact or attribute of being, or of having been, committed to writing as authentic evidence of a matter having legal importance, spec. as evidence of the proceedings or verdict of a court of justice; evidence which is thus preserved, and may be appealed to in case of dispute. Chiefly in phrases of (common in 15-16th c.), {dag}in, by, on, or upon record. I. {dag}1. trans. a. To get by heart, to commit to memory, to go over in one's mind. b. To repeat or say over as a lesson, to recite. Obs. (OED).
d. read: “I ascertained the origin of the raps, how to produce them, and how to read them.”
The order of this process is curious to me. This is to say that in order to read one must discover the origin of the sign(s) and how they function first. [Maybe this is true.] Is the table a book? Truly, though, is reading both taking place and not taking place? There is not a way for the reader to know whether or not the reading is accurate. All responsibility lay in the reader for the making of sense, in this particular situation. The table is not going to disagree, the table is not going to say, “No, that isn’t what I’m saying at all.’ Even if the table were to do so, it would be impossible for the reader to comprehend his/her own misunderstanding, because of the reader’s failure to comprehend in the first place.
This is an interesting scene because it brings to the foreground, in light of our discussion regarding confession and responsibility, the unconfession I began to process earlier. If the confession-maker does not find all of the particulars of his/her own confession re/markable, is it then a failure to comprehend on the part of the confession-maker? And is this failure to comprehend then also a failure to confess?

i'm exhausted.

i'm tempted to go back to bed for an hour and go to work for regular hours, and then work from home for my irregular hours.

should i?

i think i must.

i miss exercise. this flu needs to get. 

do you think blogs are for lonely people who want to feel like they have a life?

or.

just my blog? lately?

heh.

i don't know that i'm lonely, though. i think i just like to report.

maybe i'm a little obsessive-compulsive, eh?

i think.

12-hour work day.

and the flu.

but, i remain employed.

today hurt.

and i desperately want to do something for fitness, but, the flu. 

eh.

i really have nothing to say today. i'm mostly just reporting.

this can't be good for human relations. this. badness.

who has time to talk to anyone?

my friend was saying that he and another friend have discovered 2009 to be the year of bad customer service.... but, i think it is more, year of the pissed off consumer.

our 4.00 mochas with attitude seem even more expensive now, don't they?

i never bought those, but, you know what i'm saying.

to the couch now.

rumble mugs & pre-work jitters.

first, rumble mugs.

*

i have to admit, i am in a bit of terror this morning... about going to work. firstly, that i will find i don't really have a job. i was out sick yesterday and i have a sinking feeling that maybe i just didn't get laid off because i wasn't there and so, today, i will be.

i am assured that my name is on the new organizational chart.

secondly, with 7 people gone and half my dept... it will feel sad & scary. not the joyful, fun, let's go get some starbucks and figure out these items... place it was. there are two of us now. we work well together, at least, but we are both grieving. and we are both now buried in work.

*

i have not been working on my novel, at least, not on the computer, but in my mind, yes.

yesterday was kind of a wash, but, in some ways, it was a very good day, because i was forced to face some scary possibilities and create a plan of action, as they say. i feel good enough to know that i have a couple of places to stay should things get really bad and i have to give up my flat, i have degrees and a book that should, i would hope, at least get me some work, and, the funny thing is, this last one here reassured me most of all:

i am a writer and i am writing and will continue to be that and do that no matter what.

it is tough to be 'all alone in the world,' as that old mary tyler moore movie [yes, i thought she was a babe when i was a wee child] trope repeats, but, it is also easier. at least i don't have to worry about children or a partner needing my income. just, two dogs that have a co-parent who is a little more assured of income, being a Duke PhD candidate, than i may be. i know nothing will happen to them.

*

wow.

not too long ago the world felt so ... full of hope.

not that i've lost hope, but, when it hits you and yr friends, the NEWScasts....

ouch.

today was the kind of day that just breaks yr heart. over. and over. and over.

plus, i'm sick.

maybe that was heartbreak number one. 

i'm lucky to be employed. several of my friends are no longer. as of today.

today sucks.

i wish that were the end of why this day sucked.

but, yeah. the heart is just an amazing organ. keeps getting hit, lately, but i'm still moving around.

i'm even somewhat optimistic.

i'm also a fool that believes in good things.

and people try to warn me not to believe in things.

i figure...

if someone wants to hurt me, that's going to be their deal in the end, not mine. i'm a good crier. i'm really good at pain.

i'm really bad at fevers, though.

and now... i better go to work, fever or no fever.

and i haven't been able to write or exercise because of this stupid fever

cranky. makes me cranky. and it hurts.

i wonder what tomorrow will bring.

i woke up 4 or 5 times throughout the night in a cold sweat.

i am going to stay home and fight, what appears to be, the flu.

[i did get a flu shot.]

i feel ... exhausted.

have a good day.

the thing about this kind of feeling sick is that it causes me to crave sugar in a way that is hard not to obey. i've had a lot of OJ today. and a powerbar type thing for chocolate. and yes, the usual vitamins. never miss a day. etc.

the OJ has me wired beyond comfortable: my body is tired, my brain is buzzing.

i'm very much in feed the cold mode.

and it is all trapped inside, so, that is the worst part for me.

*

people are fragile.

by fragile i mean resilient.

yesterday i went out for a run. after one mile, my blood sugar crashed. i had to walk the one mile back, sweaty, in the cold. i then proceeded to eat. and eat. and eat. and this morning, i began to feel ill.

truly, though, i probably began to feel ill yesterday and was not allowing that to come through. i wasn't hearing it.

*

something can happen at any time in someone's life, something that hurts someone's feelings, and for years someone can walk around with that hurt and never let it go. it stays there. and no matter whatever else happens, there is that sore spot. and, say, that sore spot was put there by someone else, maybe even [most likely, in fact] unintentionally, but, put there and then stays there and then both these someones can no longer interact without triggering that sore spot.

this is when i sometimes ask a lot of questions or say OUCH.

but, i am not talking about myself in this. i am not that someone. sometimes i am that someone. sometimes i bump up against that someone someone else makes me out to be because they knew me to be a certain person, say, 5 years ago, and, to that someone, i am still that person, when, in actuality, i am not that person...

this is classic with family, right?

when i am around my family i perceive them to perceive me as the sort of... smart but rootless, fiscally irresponsible, dreamer type who will never settle down and couldn't possibly make a car payment or buy a house.

well, i do make my car payments, i don't spend money i don't have, and, maybe i am rootless, but, that isn't all my fault.

funny thing is... 

i recently came back into knowing someone who i knew from 12-23... we were/are very close... and to her...

i have not changed a bit.

she still knows me better than anyone else ever has, maybe ever will.

maybe it is that she cared to know me. and she did. she does.

maybe that is it.

i think, perhaps, a lot of people walk around expecting/desiring to be KNOWN, but do not work TO KNOW others.

does this make sense, readership?

*

i'm mostly just chatting now.

i'm feeling a little restless, like maybe i won't be fully rested and feeling better in the morning when i am getting ready for work... and that is always hard for me because i hate calling out sick but i also hate trying to work sick.

i am. getting sick.

i am very sad.

tomorrow my Mac goes to the Mac doctor and will be gone from 1-3 days.

i will not be around much via this spot.

[i don't like to spend much time on personal stuff at work. it feels like i'm being bad. i don't like to be bad unless it feels like being good.]

i think i'm getting sick.

behind the scenes i'm discussing sincerity.

here i'm telling you that i'm writing all day. at 6pm the rain is supposed to stop. if this stoppage does, indeed, take place, i will run 6 at 6. [as the weather/traffic voices say].

at my desk or cleaning my flat = heavy writing.

i don't think about much else but writing fiction and what can be done with it.

like a new toy.

how does this work?

what can it do?

what shouldn't i do? [o, good, i'll do THAT]

11543

52 pages

am reading:

Infinite Jest-- David Foster Wallace

Gnostic Bible

The Dramatist--Ken Bruen

Colts lost.

that totally BUGS.

i went to go run my 6 miles and my blood sugar crashed at the one mile marker so bad i had to stop and turn back and go to whole foods with Rumble [we were running together] and PIG OUT and then come home and walk dogs and then read Infinite Jest and fall asleep for an hour or so, o but on the walk with the dogs i saw Vitiello and Iris and Sadie was sleeping and Jack [maltese] was trying to kill every woman who passed us along the way, except Iris, he loves Iris, but maybe because Iris is still a girl and not a woman, i dunno, and now i'm watching THE GAME [go COLTS], but i'm almost, like, almost, wanting to read Infinite Jest instead, but it is the COLTS, so we will see how it goes [GO COLTS].

so now i have to try and run 6 miles tomorrow, but, it is calling for a rainy day all day tomorrow, and yeah, it makes me cranky when something gets in the way of my runs, but maybe i am now the kind of person who should eat an hour and a half before a run instead of two hours and a half before a run, now.

i am still at the exact same word count as i posted last.

for obvious reasons if you've read this post.

i am writing a novel.  now that i've gotten past page 50. i feel i can say that.

11,317 words.

page 51.

10,522 words.

48 pages.

i may do my read//sleep//write//sleep//write//sleep//read//write//sleep thing now.

o, fitness.... yesterday ran 5 miles

today biked 5 miles [fat burn] and core and arms

tomorrow run 6 miles.

*

the only person you will ever need is yourself.

that's what my dearest one tells me.

goodnight.

it is a really good thing that i did xtrain because i just baked an apple with walnuts, cinnamon, dark chocolate w/ dried blueberries, and then sprayed light whip cream all over that MFer and practically swallowed it whole.

hell yeah--PMS.

at least i'm still in a damn fine mood, eh?

okay. NOVEL.

i am WRITING tonight. 

i get to crosstrain and work on my novel now that the work day is over and i am home.

lates.

i am getting to that point where i need to go get things ready for later. the dogs out. the coffee timer set. [the only way to wake up as early as i do, in this weather.] dishes washed. clothes set. and then.

books to read. until i fall asleep. 

today feels like Sunday.

*

5-mile run. felt damn good, but, need to eat a little more protein with breakfast. had some blood-sugar issues. but, not so bad. really.

*

slept. a lot. today. 

*

novel.

38 pages.

8231 words.

this may change. i find that i sometimes have to get out of bed and write a bit of it. sometimes this happens several times at night. it is a bit like writing in my sleep. i feel lucky that i don't ever have that "o god, i have to go to work" feeling. i don't feel this pressure. it makes writing and sleeping easier. leaves the writing and sleeping to itself. the only time i feel a little funky about sleep is when it comes to long runs. but, usually, if i've had at least 5 hours of sleep, i will be okay. 

and no whiskey.

i have NOT been drinking.

bleh.

happy new year!

page 35.

7350 words.

*

it has been difficult to write a novel in which the main character is not-present and not-person.

we'll see.

*

many have asked me about new year's resolutions.

this is the first year i actually had to spend some time thinking of one. i did well on my resolutions in 2008.

so.

i suppose the only one i have now is

stay present

keep writing

and accept the love and the life that i have been given. am given. will be given.

back to the white page.