Sunday, January 4, 2009

the thing about this kind of feeling sick is that it causes me to crave sugar in a way that is hard not to obey. i've had a lot of OJ today. and a powerbar type thing for chocolate. and yes, the usual vitamins. never miss a day. etc.

the OJ has me wired beyond comfortable: my body is tired, my brain is buzzing.

i'm very much in feed the cold mode.

and it is all trapped inside, so, that is the worst part for me.


people are fragile.

by fragile i mean resilient.

yesterday i went out for a run. after one mile, my blood sugar crashed. i had to walk the one mile back, sweaty, in the cold. i then proceeded to eat. and eat. and eat. and this morning, i began to feel ill.

truly, though, i probably began to feel ill yesterday and was not allowing that to come through. i wasn't hearing it.


something can happen at any time in someone's life, something that hurts someone's feelings, and for years someone can walk around with that hurt and never let it go. it stays there. and no matter whatever else happens, there is that sore spot. and, say, that sore spot was put there by someone else, maybe even [most likely, in fact] unintentionally, but, put there and then stays there and then both these someones can no longer interact without triggering that sore spot.

this is when i sometimes ask a lot of questions or say OUCH.

but, i am not talking about myself in this. i am not that someone. sometimes i am that someone. sometimes i bump up against that someone someone else makes me out to be because they knew me to be a certain person, say, 5 years ago, and, to that someone, i am still that person, when, in actuality, i am not that person...

this is classic with family, right?

when i am around my family i perceive them to perceive me as the sort of... smart but rootless, fiscally irresponsible, dreamer type who will never settle down and couldn't possibly make a car payment or buy a house.

well, i do make my car payments, i don't spend money i don't have, and, maybe i am rootless, but, that isn't all my fault.

funny thing is... 

i recently came back into knowing someone who i knew from 12-23... we were/are very close... and to her...

i have not changed a bit.
she still knows me better than anyone else ever has, maybe ever will.

maybe it is that she cared to know me. and she did. she does.
maybe that is it.

i think, perhaps, a lot of people walk around expecting/desiring to be KNOWN, but do not work TO KNOW others.

does this make sense, readership?

i'm mostly just chatting now.

i'm feeling a little restless, like maybe i won't be fully rested and feeling better in the morning when i am getting ready for work... and that is always hard for me because i hate calling out sick but i also hate trying to work sick.

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