letter to america

To the citizens of the United States of America:

> > In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> > thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> > independence, effective immediately.
> > Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties
> > over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which
> > she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
>
> > Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
> > without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> > disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
> > whether any of you noticed.
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> > Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> > amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> > 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
> > and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> > skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
> > suffix "ise."
> 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
> > elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
> > cope with correct pronunciation.
>
> > 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> > levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
> > interspersed with filler noises such as "like", "know whad I'm sayin'?"
> > and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
> > 5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
> > your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
> > of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
> > 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> > but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
> > 7. July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 will be a
> > new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
> > called "Come-Uppance Day."
>
> > 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> > or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers, self-help gurus and
> > therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns >
> > should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
> > things out > without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
> > not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> > 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> > dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
> > to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> > 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> > your own good. When we show you Japanese, Korean and German cars, you will
> > understand what we mean.
>
> > 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> > start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> > will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
> > sense of humour.
>
> > 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> > calling "gas") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> > are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
> > are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
> > fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>
> > 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
> > customers.
>
> > 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> > beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
> > "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> > referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
> > "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
> > further confusion.
>
> > 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> > guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> > English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
> > "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
> > removed with a cheese grater.
>
> > 17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
> > proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in
> > time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
> > American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
> > seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> > 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
> > an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
> > of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> > your borders, your error is understandable.
>
> > 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> > 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> > monies due backdated to 1776.
> >
> > Thank you for your co-operation.
>
> > John Cleese
>
>